بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Love Alone Is Not Enough
I once heard Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan say something that deeply resonated with me — that the main purpose of marriage in Islam is so that you can find peace and comfort in each other. And when you really sit with that, it makes perfect sense. If a marriage lacks that peace—sakinah—then the very core of what it means to be married is missing.
Because let’s be real—this dunya is already full of challenges. It’s full of negativity, unpredictable tests, toxic interactions, and emotional drains that weigh us down. The last thing we need is for our home—our marriage—to be yet another battlefield.
When we come home from a long day, we crave that safe space. That one person who understands us the most. The one person we can count on to have our back 100%—no questions asked. A spouse who stands like a solid rock beside us through every hardship Allah sends our way, whether it’s related to wealth, health, or heartbreak. When you have that kind of companionship, everything feels a little more bearable. You feel stronger. You feel seen. You feel supported.
That’s the kind of peace that’s truly liberating.
And what’s even more beautiful? That your best guy friend—the one who supports you, uplifts you, and reminds you of Allah—is halal for you. Allah ordained him for you. SubhanAllah, isn’t that just amazing?
Love Is Not Enough: Why Peace Matters Most in Marriage
Have you ever seen a couple who love each other but argue all the time? Or a wife who adores her husband but feels emotionally drained in the marriage? Let’s redefine the definition of love. According to Collins Dictionary, love means: “If you love someone, you feel romantically or sexually attracted to them, and they are very important to you.”
Why is it not enough just to love someone? Because love is a feeling. Feelings come and go. What stays in your mind is your perception of your spouse. Perceptions towards a person build over time. For example, if your husband keeps showing up for you day in and day out, he keeps throwing out the trash every day, he keeps supporting you financially, he keeps touching you affectionately each day, he keeps doing all these little actions in your love language that builds your perception of him—that you can trust him, you can count on him. It builds your love for him each day. This, in turn, makes your life so much easier and more meaningful, which is what Allah intends for us humans. This should be the true definition of love. Unfortunately, most people associate love with a lustful, romantic type of love. That is not love; that’s infatuation and lust.
True love is built on consistent actions that foster trust, support, and mutual respect.
The Quranic Purpose of Marriage: Finding Sakinah (Peace)
Allah mentions one thing about marriage before anything else:
“And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find peace in them. And He has placed between you affection and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.”
(Quran.com)
Allah told us in the Quran that He has created for us partners and mates so that we may find peace and comfort in them. That peace and comfort come from little acts of mawaddah (affection) and rahmah (mercy).
When you show affection for your spouse—playful touches during the day, holding hands when you go out, complimenting him on that smooth baby diaper emergency control—these little playful acts of kindness every day are acts of affection.
The second one is rahmah. There are three steps to this: when your spouse is going through some kind of difficulty in life, maybe it’s financial, physical, or mental, you try to understand their challenge, support them in whatever means you can, and forgive them when they fail to pass the test that Allah occasionally throws at them. This is rahmah.
These are the ingredients that bring peace to a person’s marriage.
Love comes later—peace comes first.
When we understand that true love comes from little acts of affection and rahmah, it makes sense that the feeling of peace from your spouse comes first. As these peaceful moments accumulate over time, it becomes true love. If you only have that lustful, romantic, puppy-dog love—which every newly married couple has in the beginning—but peace is missing, the marriage will suffer.
Let’s break down what Allah means by Sakinah (peace) in the Quran. Sakinah means tranquility, emotional security, and a sense of safety. A peaceful home is a place where spouses feel respected, valued, and emotionally safe. When you know that this person who is always by your side through thick and thin respects you, values your opinions, and you feel 100% safe with him, it allows you to flourish and be your best self.
When you communicate your needs to him, he listens attentively, sincerely wanting to meet your needs, to understand you inside out. When you’re upset or under the weather, he is mindful of your nonverbal cues, trying his best to make you feel better. These are everyday actions that build your good perception of a person, which in turn builds true love.
Love Without Peace: Why Many Marriages Struggle
The sad truth is you can love someone and still:
- Disrespect them in arguments.
- Make them feel small; criticize their weaknesses.
- Be dishonest or hide things from them. This can erode your trust for each other.
- Fail to care for them emotionally. Why would they turn to you for comfort if they won’t get it from you?
- Love them but resent their family. I said this in my previous posts that when you marry someone, you are tied to their entire family. Islam emphasizes the respect for your parents-in-law just the same as your own parents. That’s huge. If you can’t respect them, your marriage will suffer.
All these things destroy peace. And when peace is gone, the purpose of marriage is lost.
How to Cultivate Peace in Marriage
Respect Is the Foundation
Love without respect leads to frustration and resentment. Respect is essentially being kind to someone. Just be kind to them. Value their opinion even if you don’t agree with them. Talk to them in a kind manner using kind words, even when you’re in the midst of an argument. You can have a civil argument like two mature adults. You don’t have to shout at each other; that way, nothing gets across. Support their interests, value their decisions even when you don’t agree with them sometimes.
The Prophet ﷺ said: “The best of you are those who are best to their wives.”
Honesty Builds Trust and Emotional Safety
Most of the time, we tend to lie when we feel it is unsafe to tell the truth. Maybe we’ve been hurt in the past, and we learn that being honest about this or that particular thing brings us into trouble. But Rasulullah ﷺ taught us that honesty is the best policy. Rasulullah was even honest about his true feelings for Khadijah and Aisha (RA). He never lied to make someone feel better or to make peace. Lies, no matter how small, will eventually be found out. Especially in a marriage where you’re heavily invested in each other. Small lies create distance between hearts.
Be truthful, even when it’s uncomfortable. This will help you build trust and, in turn, foster love for each other.
Kindness Strengthens the Bond
Have you ever heard of the saying “kindness goes a long way”? Well, it does, especially in marriages. One time I was angry at my husband, and he knew by the way I left the room. No, I didn’t do anything dramatic like slam the door or something; I just left the room. Five minutes later, he called me up, pulled me close, and asked what’s wrong. I cried and told him everything I was upset about. He disagreed with what I was upset about, but the way he handled me already made me feel so much better. The Prophet ﷺ never raised his voice or hurt his wives emotionally. We need to treat each other with rahmah (mercy), even in moments of anger.
Let Go of Resentment Towards In-Laws
I lived with my in-laws for a good couple of years in our early marriage. Trust me, family conflicts can steal peace from a marriage. Whatever happens, in the end, family members are still human. They make mistakes, and they’re on their own growth journey just like everyone else. No one is perfect. When you look to your own family, there must be people who just rub you the wrong way. Don’t take it to heart. Let it go. Have a bigger heart and let it go. Allah will love you for it. When it comes to family in-laws, you still need to set healthy boundaries but keep your good character. Boundaries help you maintain your peace, and good character enforces your reputation. It seals the deal.
Conclusion: Redefining a Happy Marriage
Marriage is not just about feeling passionate love—it’s about creating an environment of peace, respect, and emotional security. Remember what Allah said about the true purpose of marriage being sakinah through mawaddah and rahmah? Yes, we should be working on that every single day. InsyaAllah, when we have that, your peace will come.
Ask yourself: “Does my marriage bring me peace? If not, what small step can I take today to change that?”
A truly blessed marriage is one where both spouses feel at peace with each other and with Allah.
May our marriages give us true peace and comfort as Allah intends for us. Ameen.
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