بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
Every marriage has the potential to be amazing. If we sincerely love our spouses for the sake of Allah, insyaAllah He will put much barakah in it.
What is marriage all about?
Marriage is about two sincere individuals coming together vowing to help each other get to Jannah safely through all the ups and downs of life.
When Allah puts couples through tests and trials in life, He gives us the opportunity to share the struggles and come back stronger with a beautiful-hearted, kind and sincere spouse by our side.
That is why Allah said in His Quran that the main purpose of having a spouse is for us to find that peace and comfort in each other.
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them. (Ar-Rum 30:21)
Allah knows that this life is tough therefore He encourages us to get married so that we will have a partner who will help us navigate through the storms.
This is the purpose of marriage.
And this is exactly the beautiful depiction of Rasulullah SAW and Khadijah RA’s marriage. When Rasulullah SAW received his first revelation from Jibreel, He couldn’t handle the fear and shock of the experience.
As he went through the door of his house, he asked Khadijah RA to cover him with a blanket.
Khadijah RA straight away did as she was told without questioning. She understood that comforting Rasulullah SAW was the wise thing to do in the moment.
As Rasulullah SAW gradually calmed down, he told her exactly what happened and confided that he may be losing his mind. But Khadijah RA being a kind and supportive wife, she reminded him that his sincere and good heart will not be shamed.
Allah would never disgrace him because of the good that he had done.
Khadija said, “No! But receive the good tidings! By Allah, Allah will never disgrace you, for by Allah, you keep good relations with your Kith and kin, speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, entertain your guests generously and assist those who are stricken with calamities.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 4953)
She continued to remind him of his good character.
From this snippet of their beautiful marriage, it is apparent that marriage requires a deep level of trust, affection and mercy in order to thrive.
One would argue that love alone is not enough to sustain a strong marriage. Rather, it requires a whole lot of dedication and sincerity from both parties. Today, let’s explore the 10 pillars that make up a strong and beautiful marriage insyaAllah.
May Allah bless us all with this type of marriage. Ameen.
1. Trust and respect
The Prophet saw said: ‘…If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands….’ (Sunan Ibn Majah 1853)
The number 1 pillar of a beautiful and blissful marriage is trust and respect. Without it, everything else would crumble.
The hadith above does not imply that we prostrate to our husbands because that is undeniably impermissible, but rather, it is implying that we should have a high level of trust and respect for our husbands so much so that if there is anyone worthy of our prostration, it would be our husband.
Imagine talking to a Syeikh or any scholar whom you deeply admire. How would you treat them when you meet them? You would give them your full respect and if they give you advice you would trust that they have knowledge on the matter and are advising you accordingly.
Similarly when it comes to our husbands, we need to have that same level of respect and trust. Your man is the leader of your life now. You chose him to be the breadwinner, the father to your children and your companion for life, so you need to trust and respect his decisions and opinions at all times.
If you disagree with him, discuss the matter with open, honest and transparent communication. A good husband is also a good leader. He will have the same level of trust and respect for his wife knowing that she has his best interest in mind.
This is how a beautiful and blissful marriage is built.
Over time, the trust and respect between the couple will grow stronger as both partners learn to value and respect one another’s opinions and perspectives.
Narrated Abu Hurairah:
It was narrated that Abu Hurairah said: “It was said to the Messenger of Allah: ‘Which woman is best?’ He said: ‘The one who makes him happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he commands her, and she does not go against his wishes with regard to herself nor her wealth.'” (Sunan an-Nasa’i 3231)
2. Open communication
۞ قَوْلٌۭ مَّعْرُوفٌۭ وَمَغْفِرَةٌ خَيْرٌۭ مِّن صَدَقَةٍۢ يَتْبَعُهَآ أَذًۭى ۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَنِىٌّ حَلِيمٌۭ ٢٦٣
Kind words and forgiveness are better than charity followed by injury. And Allah is Self-Sufficient, Most Forbearing. (Al-Baqarah 2:263)
Pillar number 2 of a beautiful and blissful marriage is having an open and healthy communication at all times.
In your early stages of marriage, you will realize that you may have limiting beliefs, inhibitions and even poor communication skills when it comes to expressing your needs and deep thoughts to your spouse. This can cause misunderstandings that, if not corrected, can lead to ugly fights.
This is why having an open and healthy communication is super important in a marriage. We often like to believe that our husbands can somehow read our minds if they love us enough. But this is far from the case. Whether your husband can read your mind or not, it has nothing to do with how much he loves you.
It is simply unrealistic to expect him to understand your every thought and opinion without proper open communication. Because let’s face it, you would not understand his point of views as well if he does not communicate it with you openly.
When couples merge their lives to build a family and life together, there are many things that need to be discussed and point out in the open.
Most major aspects of life such as finances, family dynamics, logistics and aligning family values are important yet sensitive topics that require open communication from both parties in order to reach a common understanding.
It is exactly like building a business or company. One cannot assume that their equal partner will have the same ideas and opinions on every matter.
On top of that, most of the time we marry people who have strengths and weaknesses that are the opposite of ours. This can – more often than not – cause misunderstandings and frictions when we don’t understand one another. Therefore, the best thing we can do to have an effective and strong marriage is to first have an effective open communication with one another.
This looks like couples listening and respecting each other’s opinions at all times. In case of a misunderstanding, we should go back to having full trust and respect in our partners knowing that they only have good intentions for us.
On that premise, we can then ease into understanding each other’s differences in views and opinions.
This will help couples move forward towards their common goals.
3. Emotional intimacy
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah ‘s Apostle said, “Treat women nicely, for a women is created from a rib, and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion, so, if you should try to straighten it, it will break, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women nicely.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 3331)
Pillar number 3 of a beautiful and blissful marriage is emotional intimacy. I love this so much. This is definitely one of the best parts about marriage.
Emotional intimacy is the act of sharing emotions, vulnerabilities and fostering empathy and compassion when our spouse trusts us with their secrets, deepest thoughts and desires.
Let’s look to Rasulullah SAW and Khadijah RA for inspiration. 🙂
When Rasulullah SAW came back down from Cave of Hira’ after witnessing Jibreel for the first time, he thought he had gone mad. He was afraid that something bad was going to happen to him.
As soon as he was with Khadijah RA, he did not hesitate to confide to her, expressing exactly how he feels.
Khadijah RA acknowledged his feelings and continued to lift up his spirits, saying Allah will never disgrace him for all the good that he had done for his people.
This shows that Khadijah RA had established that she was his safe space to let his guard down, confide his feelings and find comfort in her. This is exactly the purpose of marriage.
A husband and wife should be each other’s garment. Protecting and comforting each other from all outside harm.
Allah had established that it is human nature to want companionship – someone with whom we feel safe to share anything with. Someone very much like a best friend who wants nothing but our best interest.
They genuinely love us for the sake of Allah. This can only be achieved through emotional intimacy. Couples need to be able to express their deepest thoughts and feelings without fearing their secrets or words being used against them.
… No woman can fulfil her duty towards Allah until she fulfils her duty towards her husband… (Sunan Ibn Majah 1853)
Again, emotional intimacy requires full trust and respect between partners. As you continue to be vulnerable with each other and share your emotions, you would be able to establish as each other’s garment or safe space to find peace and comfort at all times.
4. Compromise and understanding
وَإِن تُحْسِنُوا۟ وَتَتَّقُوا۟ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًۭا ١٢٨
…if you are gracious and mindful of Allah, surely Allah is All-Aware of what you do. (An-Nisa 4:128)
Pillar number 4 in a beautiful and blissful marriage is to compromise and understand each other’s needs and perspectives.
This includes being open to finding solutions that work for both parties and being willing to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship.
For example in my case right now, being a stay at home mom, I have my own struggles and insecurities about creating my new identity as a homemaker. All with the good intention of wanting to take full care of my baby, I sacrificed my own identity as a worker who had her own financial luxury for years.
My husband on the other hand, is also going through his own struggles being a new father, the sole breadwinner and taking on all the financial burden on his shoulders. As he comes home from work tired and depleted, I have to be mindful to give him some space before he can serve his family.
This is where the beauty of compromise and understanding comes in. On most days, my husband is also mindful that I would be exhausted having to tend to all the house chores and sometimes a fussy baby on top of that. So he would automatically take on any house chores to help me out as he comes home from work.
We don’t particularly have any set of chores designated to one another, just that it is understood that if I cook, he would do the dishes, if I’m busy with baby Maryam, he would do all the vacuuming and cleaning and so on.
The key is to compromise and understand each other’s needs and struggles at all times to find the best solutions that would work best for both parties.
5. Mutuality and equality
وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكْرَهُوا۟ شَيْـًۭٔا وَيَجْعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًۭا كَثِيرًۭا ١٩
…Treat them fairly. If you happen to dislike them, you may hate something which Allah turns into a great blessing. (An-Nisa 4:19)
Pillar number 5 in a beautiful and blissful marriage is mutuality and equality.
This means that both spouses need to feel like equals and partners. Strive to create an environment where both spouses have equal say, value each other’s contributions and support each other in achieving goals.
We all have dreams and visions we would like to achieve in our lives. Maybe you want to be that great novelist or writer you’ve always dreamed about. And your husband may want to pursue his business idea that’s been hanging in his mind for awhile.
As supportive spouses, we need to be the first to know and support each other’s passions. It doesn’t matter if it seems unreachable or impossible at times. Couples should feel safe to dream together knowing that they have each other’s backs.
My husband understands that my blog means a lot to me, so he makes sure that I have the time and energy to dedicate to this passion of mine. On days that I need his extra helping hand to give me more room to write, he would happily take on some of my workload or take care of baby Maryam for an hour or two. It is his way of supporting my passion.
I do the same for him. When he needs to attend that free virtual seminar to build his side business on the weekends, I make sure the house is conducive and he can do his thing without interruptions.
We treat each other like equal partners and value each other’s goals and dreams. That’s what marriages are for.
6. Affection and appreciation
وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةًۭ وَرَحْمَةً ۚ … He put between you affection and compassion… (Ar-Rum 30:21)
Pillar number 5 in a beautiful and blissful marriage is expressing affection and appreciation.
This includes expressing gratitude for your spouse and their efforts, and regularly engaging in thoughtful and romantic gestures to make them feel loved and appreciated.
Have you heard about the 5 love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman? I can’t rave about it enough. He says that every one of us has 3 primary ways of receiving love whether that be words of affirmation, touch, gifts, quality time or acts of service.
If you can identify you and your partner’s most effective way of receiving love, you can better express your love and appreciation towards each other.
These love gestures will help you speak the love language of your partner.
For example, if you know your husband’s number 1 love language is words of affirmation, you can focus on giving more encouragement to pursue his goals, say thank you for every little thing he does and be mindful to remind him every now and then what an awesome man, husband and father he is to your kids.
That should express your love to him more effectively. ❤️
7. Understanding individual differences
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَـٰكُم مِّن ذَكَرٍۢ وَأُنثَىٰ وَجَعَلْنَـٰكُمْ شُعُوبًۭا وَقَبَآئِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوٓا۟ ۚ إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِندَ ٱللَّهِ أَتْقَىٰكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌۭ ١٣
O humanity! Indeed, We created you from a male and a female, and made you into peoples and tribes so that you may get to know one another. Surely the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware. (Al-Hujurat 49:13)
Pillar number 7 in a beautiful and blissful marriage is understanding individual differences.
In order to create a happy marriage, couples need to acknowledge and accept the unique differences between them.
We need to learn to work with and appreciate each other’s quirks, strengths and weaknesses, rather than trying to change someone to fit our idea of an ideal spouse.
If we don’t learn to accept our partner’s differences, we will automatically want to try to change them on some level whether we realize it or not.
I felt this at the beginning of my marriage. My husband is a very detail-oriented type of person. He can focus on short-term goals and tasks each day. No problem. But he lacks the big picture of his projects which sometimes causes him to micro-manage and derail from getting to his vision.
I, on the other hand, am a big picture thinker. I get excited about the prospect of new ventures but lack the skills to actually follow through on short-term goals to get me to my bigger vision.
So in the early stages of our marriage, instead of seeing how my husband and I can compliment each other, I got frustrated when he can’t easily see the visions, big pictures or the potentials that I see in everything.
Now, after 6 years of marriage, I’ve come to realize that having these different sets of strengths and weaknesses is actually a blessing in disguise.
Couples can compliment each other and work towards bigger goals.
8. Understanding individual needs
ٱلرِّجَالُ قَوَّٰمُونَ عَلَى ٱلنِّسَآءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ ٱللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍۢ وَبِمَآ أَنفَقُوا۟ مِنْ أَمْوَٰلِهِمْ ۚ
Men are the caretakers of women, as men have been provisioned by Allah over women and tasked with supporting them financially… (An-Nisa 4:34)
Pillar number 8 in a beautiful and blissful marriage is understanding individual needs.
Men and women have different sets of needs to be met. As a couple, we need to be mindful of our partner’s individual needs at all times.
I’ve mentioned in a different post that you need to be able to take good care of yourself before and after marriage. Part of taking good care of yourself is to know exactly what your needs are and be able to express those needs to your partner in an effective way at all times.
If you are not used to taking care of yourself or meeting your needs before marriage, you will not be able to do it after marriage either.
We all have needs in every aspect of our lives – physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, social and so on.
Having a balanced approach when meeting all your needs is the key. Every single day, our routines and habits determine how we meet all of those needs.
For example, things as small as brushing your teeth every morning and evening is part of taking care of your physical needs.
… Their right over you are that you should treat them kindly with regard to their clothing and food. (Sunan Ibn Majah 1851)
Your husband, being the provider of the family, has to provide for all your primary needs at all times, mainly a comfortable shelter, clothing and food.
There are also needs that only a relationship can fulfill such as physical intimacy, emotional intimacy and intellectual intimacy.
Physical intimacy is one of the primary needs of men. As wives, we have to be mindful to take care of this particular need of our husbands because it is now our responsibility.
Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “When a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond and he (the husband) spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning”. [Al-Bukhari and Muslim, Riyad as-Salihin 281].
Don’t worry, a good husband will make sure that you will enjoy it as much as he does and the act would be blessed by Allah and considered as an ibadah insyaAllah. That is your right as a wife.
“Intercourse is a duty on the man – i.e., the husband should have intercourse with his wife – so long as he has no excuse. This is also the opinion of Malik.” (al-Mughni, 7/30)
I’ve mentioned about emotional intimacy in the previous point. It includes being able to have empathy and compassion for our spouse when they are in their most vulnerable times.
Intellectual intimacy is also fun. It is a close connection between two people based on shared thoughts, ideas and beliefs. It involves being able to engage in conversations with a partner that are stimulating, engaging and thought-provoking.
It means that you and your partner can have engaging conversations about topics that you are both interested in. You can even challenge one another’s beliefs and viewpoints, while still respecting differences in opinions.
My husband and I love to talk about Islamic topics such as tadabbur on the Quran, seerah and even exchange political views with each other.
When we disagree and have different opinions, we still appreciate and respect each other’s differences because it always makes discussions more interesting and thought-provoking.
There is no use in having an intellectual discussion if we cannot learn something new from our partner. So, having that intellectually-challenging partner is such a gift.
Having a partner that meets all your needs holistically will help you grow in all areas of your life.
But it is also important to keep in mind that sometimes your husband will not be able to meet all your needs and you should not expect it all solely from him.
That is why you still need to maintain your relationships with friends, family and have other permissible ways to meet all your needs besides your partner.
9. A sense of humor
Abu Hurairah (RAA) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said:
“You cannot satisfy people with your wealth, but satisfy them with your cheerful faces and good morals.” (Book 16, Hadith 98)
Pillar number 9 in a beautiful and blissful marriage is having a sense of humor.
Remember how fun and loving Rasulullah saw and Aisha ra’s relationship was?
They can play race with each other, tease and laugh together. It is one of the best things about having a partner. You enjoy these moments together.
‘A’isha told that when she was with God’s Messenger on a journey she raced him on foot and beat him, but when she grew she raced him and he beat her. He said, “This makes up for that beating.” (Mishkat al-Masabih 3251)
In a happy marriage, couples should be able to laugh and have fun together. Finding humor in everyday situations and finding ways to make each other laugh, can help strengthen the bond and bring joy into your marriage.
My husband loves to tease me. It is almost an obsession of his to get a reaction out of me. He knows exactly what to say and which buttons to push that will get me to laugh, cry and even get angry.
I’ve come to understand his tactics after almost a decade of marriage. All these little pleasures in marriage are the things that we will remember most about each other insyaAllah.
10. Patience
Narrated Abu Sa`id Al-Khudri: Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) (p.b.u.h) said,
… Whoever remains patient, Allah will make him patient. Nobody can be given a blessing better and greater than patience.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 1469)
Pillar number 10 in a beautiful and blissful marriage is having the virtue of patience. Patience is undeniably the most important skill you need to learn in a marriage.
Yes, patience is a skill. It needs practice just like any other skill. If you don’t learn anything from me, just run with this point and insyaAllah you will still have an intact marriage.
In any relationship, be it friendship or marriage, we are bound to encounter misunderstandings simply because we are different and unique individuals.
In these trying times, hold on to patience for dear life for it will definitely save your marriage. 🙂
As you practice more patience, you will start to realize that you are better able to prevent unnecessary arguments and ugly fights. This is because patience allows you to stop, hit the pause button and understand your partner’s point of views before acting impulsively.
Take as much time as you need to listen to and fully understand each other.
A happy marriage requires you to develop that subtle beautiful patience that we all admire. It’s called ‘Sabroon Jameel.
In Islam, beautiful patience means you are able to control your anger in moments of stress and difficulty while remembering to trust Allah in all your affairs.
This also means that you are able to continue treating your spouse and the people in your life with respect while you are in the midst of a difficulty.
I know. This is super duper hard, girl.
Let’s look to the story of Prophet Yakub a.s and Prophet Yusuf a.s for inspiration. 🙂
When Prophet Yakub a.s received the devastating news of his beloved son’s death – Prophet Yusuf a.s, he could’ve gone ballistic and started yelling at all his other sons for their carelessness, but instead, he demonstrated sabroon jameel (beautiful patience) and patiently endured this difficulty while having full trust in Allah that His divine plan is in order.
أَمْرًۭا ۖ فَصَبْرٌۭ جَمِيلٌۭ ۖ وَٱللَّهُ ٱلْمُسْتَعَانُ عَلَىٰ مَا تَصِفُونَ ١٨
So ˹I can only endure with˺ beautiful patience! It is Allah’s help that I seek to bear your claims.” (Yusuf 12:18)
But it is interesting to also note that, Allah allows us to continue being human and respects that we are emotional creatures who have feelings. In this regard, Prophet Yakub a.s was allowed to validate his sadness until he actually lost his eyesight.
On the outside, this might seem as if he is impatient and not putting his trust in Allah, but to Allah, this is totally normal and acceptable because it is simply human nature.
So when we encounter difficult times in our marriage (and they will inevitably come), remember to have sabroon jameel and put your trust in Allah. Of course, you are allowed to validate your feelings, just be mindful not to hurt anyone while you’re in the process of grieving. 🙂
In the bigger scheme of things, our modern culture today values instant gratification. Simply put, we want things fast and we don’t like to invest in things that seem to have slow or no progress.
This puts us at a disadvantage because to nurture any relationship, it takes time, dedication and a whole lot of patience.
This is why marriages today are ending as early as a few months compared to marriages in the olden days where people stick with each other through thick and thin for a lifetime.
People today are simply impatient. Faced with one challenge in the marriage and they feel as if their entire life is crumbling, thus they leave the marriage thinking they deserve someone better out there.
But soon, they came to realize that the marriage was not all that bad afterall and it is totally normal to have difficulties in a marriage.
Let’s try to be mindful that patience is absolutely key in a beautiful and blissful marriage. You need to practice it just like any other skill. 🙂
Conclusion on the 10 Pillars of A Happy Marriage.
Anas reported God’s Messenger as saying, “When a man marries he has fulfilled half of the religion; so let him fear God regarding the remaining half.” (Mishkat al-Masabih 3096)
Marriage is half of your iman. They don’t tell you it’s half for nothing. It requires much sacrifice and dedication to make a marriage work and to actually achieve a beautiful and blissful marriage.
I hope this list of 10 pillars of a beautiful and blissful marriage allows you to create a deeper bond with your spouse insyaAllah. Don’t be disheartened if you find yourself lacking in some of these areas. We are all on our own journey to the pleasure of Allah, including myself. 🙂
If you were to ask my husband right now, he would tell you how far from perfect I am. And that is exactly how it is supposed to be because Allah expects only our best efforts in pleasing Him, not perfection.
Allah allows us to share this life with a special person by our side. So appreciate them and start building a Jannah together in the akhirah insyaAllah.
May Allah allow us to meet Him in Jannah. Ameen.
Love & Salam,
Umm Maryam
Any good from this article is from Allah and any evil is from the shaytaan and me. May Allah forgive our shortcomings in practicing His deen.
Wa billahi tawfeeq wa hidayah
(All successes come from Allah and His guidance).
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