بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
Whosoever strives(in the cause of Allah) does so to his own good. Surely Allah stands in no need of anyone in the whole Universe. (Al-Ankabut 29:6)
As women, we are created to be soft, feminine and in most cases vulnerable to outside harm. We can easily get our hearts broken by so many things but the worst are bad relationships.
This is why Allah protects us – women, by providing guidelines to keep us safe and protected at all times.
One of the ways is to practice self-love as an act of faith.
When we love and take good care of ourselves, it shows that we appreciate this gift of being a Khalifah and the person Allah has created us to be on earth.
As you cultivate more self-love for yourself, you will start to appreciate the person you become and value yourself for all your uniqueness.
So what is self-love exactly?
Self-love can be defined as an appreciation of one’s own worth or virtue and proper regard for and attention to one’s own happiness or well-being.
Merriam-webster
To love yourself is to have the ability to protect yourself from any harm that might affect you mentally, physically and emotionally at any given time.
It’s like a mother who loves her child, she would think of the best ways to protect her child when going out, ie. wear appropriate clothing according to the weather, have proper gear – like a stroller – to carry the child and ways to entertain her etc.
It’s really that simple.
When you love yourself, what are you willing to do to make sure that your wellbeing is at the top priority of your list?
This will show in all aspects of your life – the way you dress, the knowledge you consume, the food you eat every day and all the way to bigger life decisions such as finding the right man to get married to.
When we don’t have self-love, it is easy to settle for men who are not suitable for us. In many cases, this will lead to heartbreaks in the future marriage.
And worst, we can even fall prey to ‘male predators’ who are just looking for vulnerable women to play around with and break our hearts.
For some cruel men, it really is just a game – to break as many hearts. So as women, we need to be smart when it comes to protecting our hearts. And the best part is Allah Himself has given us proper guidelines for these things.
We only need to follow Prophet Muhammad SAW’s guidance to protect ourselves as women.
So today, I’d like to share with you some tips on how to approach the early taaruf (courtship) stages with self-love so that you can prevent yourself from falling into unwanted heartbreaks and worst – marrying irresponsible men.
1. Make sure your relationship with Allah is already strong enough before you go into taaruf (courtship)
Whoever Allāh guides – he is the [rightly] guided; and whoever He sends astray – it is those who are the losers. (Al-A’raf 7:178)
If you truly love yourself, you would think of the best way to avoid yourself from getting into possible heartbreak or harm in your future marriage.
And since marriages are notorious for the potential of all sorts of abuse – mental, physical, emotional & verbal abuse – you would be very careful when it comes to choosing a good spouse.
One of the best way to bulletproof your entire process is to first establish a strong relationship with Allah SWT.
Allah SWT is the only One who can help you achieve your goals at any given time. He is the Guardian of all living creatures.
You might think that you can do everything alone without His help, but truth is, if He doesn’t allow a certain outcome to happen for you, it will never happen.
Everything only happens by the will of Allah.
So when you are embarking on this important journey of finding a life partner, seek His help first and foremost.
Our purpose in life is to be obidient slaves of Allah first and then khalifahs that spread Islam to the world.
Everything we do should be aligned with those two goals. If you have not fully understood your purpose in life, essentially your marriage will not help you fulfil your life purpose.
Then, what is the use of your marriage if it doesn’t gain the pleasure of Allah nor get you closer to Jannah?
So, get your priorities straight. Allah comes first in any area of your life.
Establish a strong relationship with Allah. Do your Salah on time, fast during Ramadhan, increase your Islamic knowledge and praise Allah every day etc.
When you have a strong connection with Allah, insyaAllah He will help you find a spouse who will also have a strong connection with Him.
From there, you can build a beautiful Muslim family and future insyaAllah. 🙂
2. Be genuinely happy with yourself
“Then which of your Lord’s favours will you deny?” (Ar-Rahman 55:13)
Loving yourself is to understand that we are all unique and different in our own way. Allah created you perfect just the way you are.
So be genuinely happy with yourself. Don’t wish to be someone else or to live someone else’s life. You are enough just the way you are.
Your only job right now is to appreciate this person that Allah has made you to be because no one else on earth is exactly like you!
Isn’t that a relief!
Appreciate every little thing about yourself and insyaAllah your future spouse will too.
How do you know if you are genuinely happy with yourself?
You can answer these questions honestly and find out.
– Do I love the person I have become?
– Am I excited to pursue my goals each day?
– Am I happy with my life right now?
– Do I genuinely feel secure and content where I am right now?
If you don’t like your answer, it means that there are parts of your life that you can improve.
Dig deeper by spending more time in reflection.
If you love your answers, that’s a clear sign that you are ready for marriage insyaAllah.
3. Go into the taaruf scene with an intention to please Allah
Always keep your focus in front of you – to please Allah in all endeavours.
Many of us tend to forget Allah when it comes to matters of the heart. This is a big mistake.
In everything we do, we should only do it with the intention to please Allah. Or else our efforts will not be accepted on the day of judgement! What a waste.
When we go about the process of finding a spouse with a sincere intention of pleasing Allah, Allah will help us in finding the right husband insyaAllah.
To please Allah is to avoid all the haram and impermissible ways of finding a spouse such as dating, fornication and flirting etc.
Be mindful of Allah. Do it in a respectable and permissible way. InsyaAllah, that way your marriage will be blessed by Allah because He is pleased with all your efforts.
4. Equip yourself with enough knowledge on Islamic marriage
There are so many things to learn about the Islamic marriage.
But there are fundamentals that you have to be clear about before getting married.
These knowledge will set the course for a happy marriage insyaAllah.
– Responsibilities of a wife & husband
– Rights of a wife & husband
– What it takes to have a successful marriage
– How Rasulullah SAW dealt with marriage nuances
– The benefits of a happy marriage
– Potential marriage challenges, ie. Finances, family plannings, in-laws etc.
– How to build a healthy Muslim family
5. Take things slowly, don’t rush
“…Surely whoever is mindful of Allah and patient, then certainly Allah never discounts the reward of the good-doers.” (Yusuf 12:90)
Marriage is a major life decision.
Take things slow. One step at a time so that you can stay level-headed and not let infatuation cloud your judgement.
If we rush this courtship process we can easily overlook red-flags that can cause us much harm in the future.
You can end up in an abusive relationship and get yourself hurt. Be careful my dear.
See it this way. It’s like a boss who is trying to recruit for a big company. In the process of recruitment, there are interviews, personality tests and even probation periods to determine if the candidate is really suitable for the company.
The process is very refined because if you hire the wrong employee, it can jeapordise your entire company.
Likewise, when you’re going into taaruf, it’s very much like finding the right person for your company.
– will he be a good husband, father, companion?
– can he fulfill all the responsibilities of a husband?
– can he take care and provide for you from this day on?
– does he have any past record?
– how does he treat his mother, sisters and the women in his circle?
6. Have a chaperone or Mahram at all times
“No person (man) should be alone with a woman except when there is a Mahram with her.” (Sahih Muslim 1341c)
This is how Allah protects you from your nafs and the syaitan.
Having a chaperone or wali by your side at all times will prevent ill-intentioned men from coming near you.
They will sort of be your bodyguard to protect you at all times. And even on social media, you need to have your chaperone or Mahram with you at all times.
Why? Because Allah is watching you. He knows everything you say and do. So, if you’re mindful of Allah, don’t be alone chatting with the guy on whatsapp or any social media without a chaperone.
And if you know that you are the type of girl who can easily get her heart attached to a guy, don’t be alone with him from the beginning.
Save yourself from future heartbreaks. You will look back and thank yourself for doing so.
7. Find someone who fears Allah
How do you know if someone truly fears Allah?
It is all in their actions. Not even in their words. People can give you quote after quote of the Quran and Sunnah but if their actions say otherwise, steer clear, my friend.
That is not someone who fears Allah.
Someone who fears Allah will be a practicing Muslim in every sense. He does his daily obligations such as Salah, Quran reading and knowledge seeking etc.
And he tries his best not to fall into sin whether in private or public.
Umar reported the Prophet as saying, “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the devil makes a third.” (Mishkat al-Masabih 3118)
This may look like him avoiding to be alone with you in private because he knows Allah is watching and syaitan will be the third person between the two of you.
8. He has to have good character
The Prophet said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” (Sunan Ibn Majah 1977)
Prophet Muhammad SAW had the best character and he taught us to look for men with the best character too.
So let’s say you have several suitors lined up for you and you are not sure who to choose, choose the one with the best deen and character.
Pay attention to the way he deals with people. Does he have manners and respect for others? Do you like the way he handles disputes or misunderstandings?
A good way to determine whether he will treat you well is to look at the way he treats the womenfolk in his life – ie. his mother, sisters and aunties etc.
He will most likely treat you the same way he does with them.
9. He has to share your core values
If you can list down your top 10 core values that define who you are and what you stand for as a person, what would it be?
Here are some examples:
1. Religion
2. Trust
3. Family
4. Lifestyle
5. Communication
6. Loyalty
Number them according to priority so that you can see if he has the same priorities.
Differences in values or priorities may cause friction in the future. For example, if he has family & children somewhere at the top of the list and you don’t, he might be eager to start a family sooner than you would like.
That can cause pressure for you if you are not ready.
10. Pay close attention to red flags
If you are trying to hire someone for your company and he comes in with an attitude or does not meet the criteria you are looking for, would you still take him?
We won’t do it with our company but we would do it with our hearts. Why?
The answer lies in self-love. Do you love yourself enough to not let any men hurt you today, tomorrow and forever?
Well then, how do you protect your heart? By avoiding red flags like the plague.
Red flags are easy to spot most of the time but only if our judgement is not already clouded by infatuation.
This is why Allah forbids us from being alone with the guy. No matter how strong we think our iman is or how intelligent we are, as women, our hearts can easily get attatched to men.
It’s just nature doing its work.
We look at all his good qualities and when there is one teeny tiny red flag that comes up, we think ‘it’s okay, he will change after we get married because he is this and that…’
Sister please, I’m begging you do not fall into that trap. There are countless of women who have ended up in divorce that way.
The reality is, most red flags can spiral negatively into so many other areas of your marriage and before you know it, things can go out of your control.
For example, if he has a bad temperament, your kids could pick up the same temperament and you will end up having to work through your kids on top of your husband.
It’s a nightmare.
So, love yourself and pay close attention to red flags at all times. Save yourself much heartache in the future.
11. Get trusted outsiders’ opinions
Ideally, you would want the input of your parents, family and loved ones when choosing a spouse.
They can help you identify his good and bad traits. Maybe there are red flags that you missed. They would be able to help you identify them.
Get the opinions of couples that you admire. They must be doing something right in the process of courtship if they are able to attain that happy and admirable marriage.
Go to them for advice about the guy.
12. Do not settle
When syaitan and doubt gets the best of us, it is easy to feel as if we have limited options of men to choose from and that our time is running out so we should just settle for mediocre men.
These thoughts are completely untrue, sis.
Syaitan wants you to feel like you should settle for less because he is waiting for you to crumble in your future marriage.
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means…” (An-Nisa 4:34)
The man you choose has to be the Qawwam that protects, takes care of and bring you closer to Allah for the rest of your life until you meet Allah.
That is Allah’s promise. He is supposed to bring more peace and tranquility into your life through emotional, physical, verbal and mental support.
If you settle for anything less, you are not valuing yourself and you are setting yourself up for a potentially unhappy marriage.
So start living up to your standards.
Love yourself enough to choose a husband who will be your best friend and who will support you sincerely in all your future endeavours.
13. Stay true to yourself
The process of taaruf can be a tedious one. When you let people in on your decision, they can come with so many of their own limiting beliefs.
No matter what happens, continue to stay true to yourself. If you feel like he is not the one, even when everyone says so, do not force yourself into the marriage.
Trust your heart and your own judgement.
There must be a reason why you have reservations. Find out what it is and don’t settle until you do.
Vice versa, if people dislike the man you have chosen for non-religious reasons such as his culture, skin colour or background, you can still marry him if you are certain he has good character and he checks all the boxes according to the deen.
O humanity! Indeed, We created you from a male and a female, and made you into peoples and tribes so that you may ˹get to˺ know one another. Surely the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware. (Al-Hujurat 49:13)
14. Stop focusing on the superficial
Everything in dunya is temporary. Remember that.
If you marry someone purely for their looks, wealth, status or anything superficial, Allah can take it away in a heartbeat and you can be left with an empty marriage.
Be reasonable. As long as your man has the means to provide for you a reasonably comfortable life, that is good enough.
Instead, focus on what matters – whether he can safely get you to Jannah together.
That will bring you a happy marriage insyaAllah.
15. Never leave Allah out of the whole process
Again, I cannot emphasize this enough. The pleasure of Allah comes first before any of His creations.
Always be mindful of Allah, have taqwa when you are talking to him.
He is just another creation of Allah. Don’t neglect the Creator while pursuing His creations a.k.a your future spouse.
Conclusion
Taaruf or courtship is just another decision-making process much like anything else. Stay level-headed and you will be fine insyaAllah.
If you approach marriage with a sincere intention to please Him. He will give you a blessed marriage and with that comes a beautiful family.
“Our Lord! Bless us with pious spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.” (Al-Furqan 25:74)
Ameen. ❤️
Love & salam,
Umm Maryam
Any good from this article is from Allah and any evil is from the shaytaan and me. May Allah forgive our shortcomings in practicing His deen.
Wa billahi tawfeeq wa hidayah
(All successes come from Allah and His guidance).
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