بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
I went into marriage with all kinds of wrong mindsets at the age of 22. I thought my husband could fix me, that he has all the answers to all my problems and he knows what to do with it.
Girl, I was so wrong.
Not only was I wrong about him wanting to fix me, I was also wrong about him being ABLE to fix me.
As I went through years of my marriage, I realized that even though my husband has helped me tremendously through my breakthroughs in life, it was not his contributions that resulted in me being the person I am today.
In fact, it was all from Allah.
Allah allowed me to finally be at peace with myself. Allah allowed me to be attached to His book instead of my husband. Allah allowed me to stay consistent in worship instead of having my husband push me around.
Allah gave me all the strength I needed from within me to be the best Muslimah I can be for Him. Alhamdulillah.
You see, if you truly rely on Allah, He will give you a way out. Guaranteed.
And put your trust in Allah, for Allah is sufficient as a Trustee of Affairs. (Al-Ahzab:3)
Now, I want to invite you to do the same.
If you are not married yet, stop looking for the right man to come and save you. It is futile because he will never be able to. Only Allah is the One Al-Mighty enough who can fix all your problems.
When you run to Allah with all your problems, He will give you a way out that you yourself would have never thought of. Just go back to Him.
And when you have finally found that peace within yourself by the grace of Allah, ask Allah to bring you a spouse who is equally at peace with himself so that you can come together to create a much more beautiful union in marriage.
Having said that, we are very weak and feeble creatures. We are created by the Al-Mighty prone to sin, to make mistakes and to fall flat on our faces. Ouch.
So we will never be perfect and we will always be tested. So when we encounter times of defeat and discouragement that render us almost powerless, I have some tips to get us through the storm of marriage.
Marriage is always a journey. And on this journey, you will encounter many challenges as well as beautiful sceneries.
We will need some good equipments and a strong mindset to thrive.
1. Know that only Allah can fix all your problems
“Allah is sufficient for me. There is no god ˹worthy of worship˺ except Him. In Him I put my trust. And He is the Lord of the Mighty Throne.” (At-Tawbah:129)
If you go into marriage adamant that anything other than Allah can fix your problems, you will definitely be disappointed.
That is your test right there. Allah will test you with that person or thing that you think can fix all your problems.
For example, if you have the expectation that your husband will somehow be able to fix your past trauma or limiting beliefs (as I had), Allah will show you again and again that your husband can’t fix you.
Maybe Allah will put conflict between the two of you or maybe for some reason he just couldn’t understand you even when he wants to.
So just run back to Allah. Only He can fix you.
Sure, we need to seek support and find the right sources for us to get through life, but you cannot expect anything in this world to be your ultimate savior.
It does not work that way. Rather, you have to believe it in your heart of hearts that only Allah is the One who can save you.
He will bring you the right person to help you out in the situation. He will create circumstances that will ease your success. He will give you the right understanding and mindset for you to get out of your misery.
On one condition – you rely and trust Him alone.
But this does not mean you refuse people’s help just because you trust Allah. Rather, it means that you know and believe that without Allah’s help, you will never get out of your problems.
Therefore, when Allah helps you by sending the right person and means to help you out, you are grateful to Him and continue to worship none but Him.
2. Be gentle with yourself
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: `Allah is Kind and loves kindness, and He rewards for kindness in a way that He does not reward for harshness.` (Musnad Ahmad 902)
Even in the happiest of marriage, you are bound to make mistakes and hurt the people you love.
In these vulnerable moments, be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself for having sinned and forgive yourself often.
Because that is the only way to move forward. You need to be able to have a level of mercy for yourself in order to give more love to others.
Don’t beat yourself up just because you can. That is the easy route. The hard path is to look yourself in the mirror and still be able to tell yourself that you are loved and that you are valuable no matter what you do.
Stop believing the syaitan when he tells you that you are not enough and that you will never be forgiven. He wants you to feel small and insecure so that he can drag you to Jahannam with him.
So don’t let him win. Trust in Allah instead. Trust that when He says He promises Jannah if you follow the Quran and Sunnah, He will keep His promise and reward you accordingly.
So pick yourself up and keep on doing your best for Him. He will love you for it.
3. Appreciate your husband
“…Cooperate with one another in goodness and righteousness, and do not cooperate in sin and transgression. And be mindful of Allah. Surely Allah is severe in punishment.” (Al-Maidah:2)
Many of us – wives – tend to underappreciate our husbands.
When he does the dishes and takes out the garbage, we forget to thank him and make him happy.
When he feels tired coming home from work and was not able to do the laundry that week, we didn’t take the initiative to cut him some slack and take up the chore for that week. (Speaking from experience 😉 )
All these things add up to a good or bad outcome.
You see, marriage is like a dance. A dance requires 2 people to keep moving towards one another in syncronicity.
If you cannot help each other out and appreciate one another, the marriage will not work.
So lets start by appreciating our husbands even for the smallest things. That way our husband will come around and do the same for us insyaAllah.
4. Have mercy with one another
Jarir bin Abdullah narrated that the Messenger of Allah said:
“Whoever does not show mercy to the people, Allah will not show mercy to him.” (Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1922)
I was listening to Belal Assad the other day and he said that the definition of mercy is to not punish someone but to show kindness and forgiveness when you have authority over them.
In a marriage, you will have rights over your husband. He has to provide for you, be a qawwam (protector) over you and take care of all your needs inside out.
This is a big responsibility. One that he needs practicing with and will never be perfect at because he is just a mere human like you and me.
So when he forgets to take out the garbage or do something that triggers your anger, try to be more merciful and forgive him.
Have a deep conversation about it and find out the root cause of the problem. Instead of blaming him, nagging or acting out, try to be more merciful with one another and find the solution for it.
That is how you cultivate a happy marriage insyaAllah.
5. Maintain self-care
Umm Salamah narrated that The Messenger of Allah said:
“Whichever woman dies while her husband is pleased with her, then she enters Paradise.” (Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1161)
How many of us neglect to stay healthy and beautiful for our husbands after we get married?
We think:’Oh he’s got me now so I can let myself go because he has to stay with me no matter what.’
What if your husband thinks the same way?
Before marriage he is this handsome decent looking guy that you fell in love with and suddenly after marriage he becomes this fat, huge-bellied and pimple-faced guy that you don’t even recognise anymore. (Okay maybe I’m exaggerating but you get the point. 😂)
Islam teaches us – women – to beautify ourselves for our husbands. If every wife in the world keeps their husbands happy and attracted to them, there would definitely be less problems in the world.
Husbands would feel loved and appreciated insyaAllah. You don’t even have to spend a dime if you don’t want to. Just make sure you take care of yourself and stay presentable in front of your husband.
Remember the first time you met? Exactly.
Of course, husbands need to take care of themselves too. But try to focus on what you can do to make the marriage work first.
6. Be attached to the Quran
Surely in this is a reminder for whoever has a ˹mindful˺ heart and lends an attentive ear. (Qaf:37)
The Quran is your lifeline. If you stay connected and attached to the teachings of the Quran, nothing in life will bother you.
You would have all the solutions to all your problems in one book. And that book is written by the One who created you. So He knows exactly what you need.
When you find yourself in trouble and you feel so alone in your marriage, check yourself. Are you attached to Allah and His Quran or are you attached to something worldly and external?
I see this in my marriage all the time. When I become distant from Allah or my iman starts to take a dip, Allah would always put some kind of conflict between me and my husband.
We would always fight over something petty. And almost magically, when I fix my relationship with Allah, the problem goes away instantly. We would be able to make amends and forget it ever happened.
So you see, when you have problems, find the solution in the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah.
And keep increasing your knowledge of the deen. It will help you through all the ups and downs in your married life.
7. Respect yourself first
It was narrated that Abu Hurairah said:
“The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: ‘The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless. (Sunan Ibn Majah 79)
You know what they say – respect is earned, not given. How do you know if you’re respecting yourself?
When you respect yourself, you don’t go against your values. You don’t go against yourself to fit in or to please others.
In a way, that is a form of betrayal to yourself. When you keep going against yourself, it is as if you are telling yourself to shut up and that your opinions don’t matter.
On the contrary, having self respect means you believe that you are worthy of having what is best for you and not settling for less.
A.k.a you have standards. No matter what people say, when you believe you are worthy, it is easy for you to make decisions that uphold your standards on a daily basis.
For example, my niece is 5 and she lives with me. In other words, she is constantly in my face. I used to have no boundaries with her thinking she will be lonely and has no one to play with as she is the only child.
But now, I’ve come to understand the importance of boundaries after having practice it so many times.
For example, when she wants to bring all her toys in my room, I can confidently say no knowing she will make a mess out of everything.
I can politely decline her invitation to play tea party with me. I can say no to so many things now because I respect my own time and energy. I use my resources wisely.
But that is a small example. In a marriage, you are living with another human being so they will definitely push your boundaries at times.
You need to be able to stand your ground and uphold your values. Small decisions matter because they lead to bigger events. It’s okay. Practice makes perfect. I’m still practicing till this day.
Respect yourself enough to see what is best for you and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself.
May Allah give us ease. ❤️
8. Speak your truth
O believers! Be mindful of Allah, and say what is right. (Al-Ahzab:70)
I mentioned respecting yourself first but this point deserves its own section. 🙂
You have to have a strong identity. When you meet with your husband’s mother, aunties and siblings, they will try to convince you that their way is the right way.
Even when they have good intentions, it’s inevitable, they’re just being human.
But you have to have boundaries.
Take the good and politely decline the bad. You don’t have to accept and abide to everything they say. You are your own person and you need to protect that.
Allah made each and every one of us unique so that we can share our truth and keep the world interesting.
If you have no identity, you would just be following the crowd and be another white sheep amongst the flock.
But if you keep to your truth and honour your identity, people would respect you.
So don’t be afraid to speak your truth and have some boundaries when you need to. When your husband does the same, your marriage will be blissful insyaAllah.
9. Forgive yourself and him often
And whoever endures patiently and forgives—surely this is a resolve to aspire to. (Ash-Shuraa:43)
Forgiveness is like a magical potion that fixes everything. You need to develop a forgiving heart in order to have a thriving marriage.
This is because marriage will test your patience more than anything. And when Allah gives you tests after tests in your marriage to see how much you can handle and how far you can go to get to the next level of life, at times you will fall flat on your face and make mistakes.
You might say harsh things that you regret. You might accidentally go against yourself and do things that you know are wrong but you were just not in your right mind.
These things happen and they happen often because we are not perfect. So, forgive each other often and move on.
I asked my husband one day, ‘how do we know if we have truly forgiven someone?’ My husband said,’if the person dies, you don’t have ill feelings towards them.’
I thought about that and I think it’s true.
10. Remember Allah & Jannah
Indeed, those who believe and do good will have the Gardens of Paradise as an accommodation, where they will be forever, never desiring anywhere else. (Al-Kahf:107-108)
You’ve only got one ultimate goal in this life and the next and that is to please Allah and qualify for Jannatul Firdaus.
If you keep this goal right in front of you every single day, it should be easier for you to go through marriage challenges.
When Allah tests you with difficulties or blessings, it is because He wants to increase your status and bring you to the next level.
If you can handle it and pass the test, He will give you more challenging tests.
That is why if Allah loves you, He gives you more tests. He is trying to bring you closer to Him and further away from dunya.
These tests can be in the form of difficulties or blessings. For example, He might put some of us in financial difficulties so that we can continue to make heartfelt Tahajjud and beg Him for more Rizq.
Or He may bless some of us with more wealth to see if we still remember Him and be grateful to Him by following His commands.
There are all kinds of tests.
But some of us have it backwards. If Allah gives us calamities, we think He doesn’t love us anymore when in fact it is the opposite.
It is because He loves us that He gives us more tests. In your marriage, you will be put into tests after tests. In these times, the only thing that can get you through is to remember Allah and His promise to reward you with Jannah.
Everything else is obsolete.
When you feel tired with life and almost want to give up, remember your ultimate goal. Remember why you need to keep going and have patience.
Allah will most certainly love you for it insyaAllah.
Final thoughts on maintaining your relationship with Allah in marriage
O humanity! Indeed, We created you from a male and a female, and made you into peoples and tribes so that you may ˹get to˺ know one another. Surely the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware. (Al-Hujurat:13)
Married life is a whole different ball game. They don’t tell you it is half your deen for nothing.
Allah will test your patience for sure but if you stay on the straight path, the only path that leads you to the pleasure of Allah and His eternal abode – Jannah, you will attain great success both in this life and the next insyaAllah.
Take care my friend,
Umm Maryam
Any good from this article is from Allah and any evil is from the shaytaan and me. May Allah forgive our shortcomings in practicing His deen.
Wa billahi tawfeeq wa hidayah
(All successes come from Allah and His guidance).
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