Bismillah بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
I visited my Aunt yesterday, and this sinking feeling hasn’t left my heart since. I can’t help but feel sorry for her, even though she hates that people feel this way. My aunt is the backbone of our family—the one who always put others before herself, who supported our dreams, who made sure we were always taken care of.
Now, breast cancer is taking her away from us. Her body no longer accepts food, her limbs are weak, and she is confined to a wheelchair. And yet, her spirit remains unshaken. Her last wish? To see the Kaabah before she leaves this world. May Allah grant it to her, Ameen.
But what moves me the most isn’t just her strength—it’s the love of my uncle, her husband of so many years. He takes care of her day and night, fulfilling her every wish, loving her just the same through sickness and health. He always has a smile on his face, always putting others first, never once complaining.
That, to me, is what true love looks like. And that is the kind of love we all long for when we seek a spouse. A love that stays, that nurtures, that endures.
This is why taaruf matters—because choosing a spouse isn’t just about finding someone attractive or financially stable. It’s about finding someone who will stand by you in sickness and in health, in ease and in hardship. Someone whose character shines even when life gets difficult.
So if you are preparing for marriage, ask the right questions. Don’t just look at the surface—look at their heart, their values, and their willingness to commit for a lifetime. Here are 50 essential questions to help you find the right person, insyaAllah.
1. Faith & Religious Commitment
A strong Islamic foundation is key to a happy marriage.
Questions to Ask:
- Do you pray all five salah on time every day, including Fajr? If not, what’s stopping you?
- How do you actively seek Islamic knowledge (e.g., classes, books, scholars you follow)?
- If we have different views on a fiqh issue (e.g., moon sighting for Eid, madhhab differences), how would you handle it?
- Do you make du’a for a successful marriage? If yes, what do you ask for in a spouse?
- If one of us starts struggling with our iman, how would you support them?
Islamic Wisdom:
“The best among you are those who are best to their wives.”
(Tirmidhi 1162)
2. Marriage Mindset & Readiness
Understanding a potential spouse’s intentions and expectations prevents future misunderstandings.
Questions to Ask:
- Why do you feel now is the right time for you to get married?
- What are the top three qualities you’re looking for in a spouse, and why?
- Have you ever been in a taaruf before? If yes, why didn’t it work out?
- What do you think makes a husband a qawwam (leader) in the family? How do you plan to fulfill that role (if male) or support it (if female)?
- What’s your understanding of a wife’s rights and responsibilities in Islam?
Islamic Wisdom:
“A woman is married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. Choose the one with religion, may you be blessed.”
(Bukhari 5090, Muslim 1466)
3. Family & Upbringing
Your spouse’s relationship with their family can tell you a lot about their values and future expectations.
Questions to Ask:
- How do your parents resolve conflicts in their marriage? Do you see yourself following their example?
- How do you expect me to interact with your family after marriage (e.g., daily visits, only on Eid, living together)?
- If your parents insist on something I’m uncomfortable with, how would you handle it?
- If my family needs financial or emotional support, would you be okay with that?
- How would we spend Eid – with your family, mine, or alternating?
Islamic Wisdom:
“The best of you are those who are best to their families.”
(Ibn Majah 1977)
4. Character & Personality
A strong marriage is built on mutual understanding and emotional intelligence.
Questions to Ask:
- When was the last time you lost your temper, and what did you do?
- If I feel upset but don’t say it directly, how would you know something is wrong?
- When making decisions, do you rely more on logic, emotions, or others’ advice?
- Can you give an example of a situation where you had to apologize and how you did it?
- If you made a promise but later found it difficult to fulfill, how would you handle it?
Islamic Wisdom:
“The strong is not the one who overcomes people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.”
(Bukhari 6114)
5. Career & Financial Expectations
Finances are a major aspect of marriage, and discussing them early prevents future conflicts.
Questions to Ask:
- What is your current financial situation (income, savings, debts)?
- If I prefer to be a stay-at-home wife/mother, would you be comfortable being the sole provider?
- If I want to work after marriage, would you expect me to contribute to household expenses?
- Do you believe in joint bank accounts, separate finances, or a mix of both? Why?
- If you lost your job or business income, what’s your backup plan to support the family?
Islamic Wisdom:
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has made one of them excel over the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their wealth.”
(Quran 4:34)
6. Children & Parenting
Questions to Ask:
- How many children would you like to have, and why?
- If we struggle with infertility, what would be your approach (e.g., medical treatment, adoption, accepting qadr)?
- How do you plan to teach our children Islam in a way that they love it?
- What’s your stance on disciplining children (e.g., timeouts, rewards, strictness vs. leniency)?
- If our child refuses to pray or wants non-Muslim friends, how would you handle it?
Islamic Wisdom:
“Every one of you is a shepherd, and every one of you is responsible for his flock.”
(Bukhari 893, Muslim 1829)
7. Conflict Resolution & Emotional Well-being
Disagreements are inevitable, but how you handle them determines the strength of your marriage.
Questions to Ask:
- What’s one thing that instantly triggers your anger, and how do you manage it?
- If we have a serious disagreement, how should we resolve it?
- Have you ever experienced stress, anxiety, or depression? How did you cope?
- If our marriage struggles, would you be open to seeking Islamic counseling?
- What’s one thing that instantly makes you feel loved and valued in a relationship?
Islamic Wisdom:
“The most complete of the believers in faith are those with the best character.”
(Tirmidhi 1162)
8. Physical Health & Well-being
A spouse’s health can significantly impact married life, and it’s crucial to discuss any concerns with transparency as it could affect not only your own health in the long run but also the genetic make-up of your child and how healthy they may be.
Questions to Ask:
- Do you have any chronic illnesses or medical conditions I should be aware of?
- How often do you go for medical check-ups, and do you prioritize your health?
- Do you have any genetic disorders in your family that might affect our future children?
- Have you ever had any major surgeries or serious injuries?
- How do you typically handle being sick—do you take care of yourself, or do you rely on others?
Islamic Wisdom:
“And do not throw yourselves into destruction with your own hands, but do good; indeed, Allah loves the doers of good.”
(Quran 2:195)
9. Current Life Situation & Responsibilities
Understanding your potential spouse’s daily life, commitments, and responsibilities ensures realistic expectations after marriage.
Questions to Ask:
- What does your typical day look like from morning to night?
- Do you have any responsibilities towards your parents or siblings that will affect our marriage?
- If we were to get married today, what unfinished business in your life might cause stress?
- What is one challenge you’re currently facing, and how are you handling it?
- Do you have any outstanding debts, loans, or financial obligations?
Islamic Wisdom:
“The believer who mixes with people and endures their harm is better than the one who does not mix with them and does not endure their harm.”
(Ibn Majah 4032)
10. Lifestyle & Personal Habits
Everyday habits and lifestyle choices affect compatibility and harmony in marriage.
Questions to Ask:
- Are you more of an early bird or a night owl?
- How do you spend your weekends and free time?
- Do you prefer a structured routine, or do you like to be more spontaneous?
- What is one habit you’re trying to change or improve about yourself?
- Do you have any pet peeves or small things that annoy you?
Islamic Wisdom:
“Indeed, Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.”
(Quran 13:11)
Final Thoughts
Taaruf isn’t just about asking the right questions—it’s about listening with an open heart and observing a person’s actions and character.
💛 May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who brings barakah into your life and home. Ameen!
A Love That Stays
As I watched my uncle gently adjusting my aunt’s wheelchair, feeding her small bites of food that her body would soon reject, wiping away her tears while hiding his own, I realized something profound: marriage isn’t about grand romantic gestures—it’s about showing up, every single day, even when it’s hard.
We often dream of weddings, of finding “the one,” of a lifetime of happiness. But what happens when life gets tough? Will your spouse stand by you when you’re weak, when you can no longer give as much as you once did? Will they be the kind of person who loves you through it all?
This is why taaruf is not just a formality—it’s your opportunity to choose wisely. To ensure that when hardship comes (because it always does), you will have a partner who stands by you, not walks away.
I pray that each of you finds a love that lasts—one that is filled with mercy, patience, and unwavering commitment. And when that love comes, may Allah bless it with barakah, so that it only grows stronger with time.
Ameen.
Till next time. Love and Salam,
Aimi
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