THE KHALIFAH DIARIES Be The Best Muslimah For Allah SWT

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

There’s a quote that says “Aim for the moon, if you don’t reach it at least you’ll land on the stars”.

So you should aim for the best, but be flexible and realistic when choosing a husband. When I married my husband, he was around 80% accurate according to this list. Now, after 4 years of marriage, he’s close to 90%. alhamdulillah. 🙂

May Allah ease your journey in finding your spouse. Ameen.

1. Loves Allah more than anything (Iman & Taqwa)

When your husband loves Allah more than anything in the world, especially you, he will have a strong identity of who he is. He will not be easily swayed by society, friends or in-laws because his priority is Allah.

Therefore every decision he makes in his marriage will be on the basis of what Allah and Prophet Muhammad SAW require of him. Sometimes, even when you unintentionally go against the Quran or Sunnah, he can correct you and remind you of the best path to get to Jannah 🙂

My husband does this all the time. I can be a very spontaneous and abrupt person sometimes. So whenever I’m excited to do something that might not be the best decision for my deen, he’ll correct me.

And I’m so grateful for that because he is exactly the right person who is supposed to remind me of these things.

Your partner in life = Your deen detector

On top of that, he will regularly strengthen his connection with Allah through his daily prayers, Quran reading and increasing his knowledge of the deen. You won’t have to nag him or ask him to do these things because he is already attached to His Creator.

2. Has a good character

What does an excellent character look like to you? Of course, our role model is Prophet Muhammad SAW. But keep in mind, this doesn’t mean that he needs to be perfect like the Prophet SAW and has no flaws whatsoever.

He is human too just like you and me. So we have to be ready to forgive him when he does slip and makes mistakes. There are times when he will be angry, upset, sad or discouraged. Having a good character is how well he is able to handle these hard times.

So what are the qualities that Prophet Muhammad SAW has?

• honesty
• humbleness, not egoistic
• does not show anger
• understanding
• attentive

If he doesn’t have a good character, you will find yourself living in frustration a lot (nauzubillah). If he’s hot-tempered, he’ll be yelling or cursing to the slightest things that tick his anger off.

If he’s egoistic, his pride will be as high as the mountains, nothing you say will come through to him because he thinks he’s better than you.

If he’s dishonest, people will not trust him to do business, at work and anything in his career which inevitably will affect you too.

So, look for a man with good character. He will make you feel safe. That’s how you know he is the one. 🙂

3. His personality is compatible with you

There is no right or wrong in personalities. Some people are extroverted, some are introverted. Some judge more using their feelings rather than their analytical mind etc.

So it depends on who you are and who you want to be with. When I got to know my husband, I gave him the Myers-Briggs Personality Test. They have a lot of useful insights. But bear in mind, people change and they can develop their personalities.

For example, someone who is currently an introvert can develop into an extrovert if they join a business that requires them to meet people and develop their people skills. They might just like meeting people as they develop the habit.

And I, myself have taken the personality test and have got many different results a few times. So it’s not a definite test that defines who your husband is per se. Don’t rely on it too much, you can shape your personality.

But you can use the information given to better yourself into the person you’d like to become. 🙂 Have your own identity and be proud of it. As your husband does the same, you will both meet the truest and most authentic version of each other.

Eventually, people will settle down into a personality that depicts their true identity, but this varies with age. So just bear that in mind. 🙂

4. 3H – Handsome, Healthy & Hygienic

Let’s start with the first one.

Handsome

There are 2 types of handsome – the evil kind and the good kind.

The evil kind will make you feel like you married that mysterious werewolf or vampire that we’ve all fantasized about growing up. This type of handsome guy usually does not genuinely love you, unlike in the novels and movies – where the bad boy comes around and realizes he loves you, this bad boy is just using you and will leave you the second he finds something better than you.

He’s not worth it. Throw him in the trash.. then make du’a for him haha 😀

Meanwhile, the good type of handsome guy is more like the hero, your knight and shining armor. He looks kind, charming and is ever-ready to sweep you off your feet and carry you away.

Away where? To Jannah I hope 😀

Let’s get back to reality.

Of course, given the choice, we would want a handsome husband right? But are you the prettiest girl in the world? haha. Sorry to give it to your face but I’m being honest here.

Sometimes our expectations can be pretty unrealistic.

We want him to look like that K-pop idol – V, Sehun or Jungkook. Is this realistic though? Of course, it’s possible because Allah can do anything but he’s most probably going to look more like a normal and decent human being like you and me in sha Allah 😀

Here are some of the characteristics that can be defined as handsome:

• Has broad shoulders – to protect you 😉
• Has big manly hands
• Has a defined jawline
• Has eyes that pierce through your heart
• Has a smile that melts your heart
• Has a deep persuasive voice

These are all perfectly normal to be admired and some men do have these traits Alhamdulillah. But bear in mind, usually, you will attract a partner that is equally as attractive as you.

Of course, there are exceptions to this. Many people have been married to people who are far more attractive or less attractive than they are. But on a general basis, you will most probably attract a partner that has about the same level of attractiveness as you. 🙂

So get to work girl! Make yourself look pretty, presentable and nice. Do it because you respect and love yourself so that you can attract a decent man that loves your style and the way you look.

My husband told me after marriage that one of the biggest reasons he married me is because he loves my simple style. I’m a very simple girl. My usual clothing is my abaya/jubah, or long blouse and jeans. As long as I look modest and clean, I’m good to go. 🙂

Your style will show who you are too. If you are naturally a bubbly and happy person, you might like bright colors like orange and yellow. If you’re more artistic, your style might be matching pieces of garments that go together like cardigans, jackets and belts.

Whatever it is, be realistic and just be you. Your husband will like the way you look just the way you are. In sha Allah 🙂

Healthy

Health is probably one of the biggest gift from Allah that most of us have taken for granted one way or another. Imagine if Allah took away your sight, your hearing or you get cancer. Nauzubillah.

But now that we are healthy (assuming you are) – if you’re not, may Allah cure you and grant you good health, Ameen – are we using our health to do good deeds that please Him?

If you are, kudos to you! If you are not, let’s start now! 😀

This is obvious, you would want a husband who is fit and healthy so that you can build a good life with him.

This includes sexual health of course. 😉

Hygienic

Is there anything worse than an unhygienic husband? 🙁 I’m sure there is but this is definitely unacceptable for most women. How on earth are you going to live with him, sleep with him, or even smell his breath if he’s not hygienic? What a nightmare! nauzubillah.

He needs to have a certain level of personal hygiene. That’s a given. Imagine if you can’t stand his armpit smell or his body odor, you probably won’t be able to hug him without sneezing a few times… haha 😀

So here are some basic personal hygiene he has to have:

• brushes teeth twice daily
• showers twice daily
• shaves his mustache regularly
• if he keeps his beard, he keeps it neat and tidy
• cuts fingernails and toenails regularly
• shampoos regularly

5. Genuinely loves and accepts you for who you are

Being humans, we all have our idiosyncrasies, quirks and habits. These are what shapes our identities and make each of us unique and special because none of us are exactly the same.

So, your husband needs to love these quirky things about you because this is who you are. Allah made you different and special from everyone else for a reason.

You need to understand that whatever habits and idiosyncrasies that you have – as long as they don’t go against the Quran and Sunnah – is what makes you, YOU! The beautiful and unique you!

So don’t ever change anything about you just for a guy to like you. You are betraying yourself if you do so. Allah is shaping your identity through the experiences you’ve been through, the people you meet along the way and the knowledge you gain through the years.

If you change yourself just for the sake of some guy, you are indirectly betraying Allah. That is not right. So you need to embrace who you are so that no matter which man comes along, he will see the real you and accept you for who you are.

The right man – aka your husband – will embrace and love you just the way you are as long as you continue to be true to yourself. 🙂

Let me give you an example. I am a very sensitive soul. I may appear tough on the outside but honestly, I’m a real softie on the inside. Sometimes, the slightest things can send me into tears – heartfelt movies, making a deep du’a and talking about certain people etc.

Whenever I get into these waterfall tears, my husband loves it! He thinks it’s beautiful. I find it odd but he seems to love it haha. So, Alhamdulillah. You need to find a man who will love all your special quirks. And vice versa, you love his too. 🙂

Make du’a and believe that Allah will bring him to you when you’re ready, okay. In sha Allah. 🙂

6. Helps around the house

One of the top reasons why I love my husband is because he always helps around the house. Alhamdulillah. You need to find yourself a husband who knows his way around the house.

If he doesn’t, as the queen of the house, you need to demand it and teach him exactly the way you like it.

Do not compromise on this! No matter how busy or occupied he is, dedicate certain tasks that only he has to handle. For example, taking out the trash, everything that has to do with the car – maintenance, repair, wash – and changing the light bulbs etc.

If you don’t demand this from the beginning of your marriage. He will be used to not doing anything in the house, and when you suddenly want him to start doing them, he might not be as cooperative.

It’s natural human behavior. If you don’t enforce a habit from the beginning, it might be harder to start later when he’s already used to the old ways that work just fine for you and him all this while.

However, if he truly loves you, he will change his ways and start helping you around the house when you demand it.

It depends on how much he feels you care for him, if his love tank is full (from all the love that you gave him up to that point), he would reciprocate to make you happy as his queen.

In today’s world where the women are mostly working too, it is completely unfair to leave all the house chores solely to the wife. She works, takes care of the house and has the babies. If she can do everything herself – aside from making the babies – what does she need the man in her life for?

Follow Prophet Muhammad SAW’s footsteps. He helps around the house. 🙂

7. Romantic, kind and loving

Would you love to have a romantic husband? Of course you do right? Who doesn’t? 😀 Well I’m telling you right now, you can have him in sha Allah. Make du’a okay.

A romantic husband knows how to win your heart. He does little extra things for you just to show you how much he loves you. And these things don’t necessarily need money.

Here are some of the romantic things my husband and I do in our marriage that don’t cost anything:

• hug each other when we’re watching a movie together
• give each other body and foot massage
• he sends me random texts during the day to remind me to “Selawat (praise Prophet Muhammad SAW)”
• He reminds me to sit up straight when I don’t realize I’m slouching (I do the same for him)
• put on socks for him, when he looks cold after falling asleep while watching that long youtube lecture on the bed

The most little things are the most important because it builds love and trust. It shows how much you care for the other person and vice versa.

And when your husband knows that you truly and genuinely care for him, he would do anything to make you happy. In sha Allah.

That’s what marriage is all about. The little things 🙂

8. A great leader

Being a great leader means knowing what’s best for those under your care and leading them towards that effectively. As the leader of the family, your husband needs to determine if he’s taking you and your family towards Jannah (heaven) or Jahannam (hell).

Every decision he makes for you and the kids needs to be aligned with what Allah and Prophet Muhammad SAW taught us.

Here are some of the things he needs to have to be a great leader:

• Strong Iman – no matter how tempting the world can be, when your husband has strong emaan, he will solve problems and make decisions according to the deen instead of what the society or family and friends say.

For example, if I get into a misunderstanding with my in-laws, my husband needs to step in and make peace by being just without biasedly siding with me or my in-laws. Because Allah taught us to be just with everyone.

• Stable finances – money is very important for men. Without it, he won’t have the power to make any decisions. That is why you see sometimes when a wife earns more than her husband, she can become more dominant and makes all the decisions.

The husband becomes sort of like the sidekick that gives her emotional support instead.

This is because usually women who are too career-oriented, easily lose touch with their feminine side due to the demand of their work. I have nothing against this. Women today are doing remarkable work that men will never be able to do. Alhamdulillah.

But I do feel that we need to restore the balance between the husband and the wife’s duties so that we can have a healthier modern family dynamic.

Your husband needs to have the financial stability to be able to meet all your family’s needs. Never say that money is not important. Money is extremely important, without it we won’t even be able to eat.

But it is not our master. We are the master of our finances. We determine how much money we want, how to manage it and how to use it to please Allah through raising a healthy Muslim family and doing charity.

• Compelling Vision – He needs to be visionary. Before anyone in the family sees where the family is going, he needs to see it first because he’s the leader.

He determines the direction of the family – where to live, how many kids to have (after consulting you), what values to instill in the kids, how our family dynamic will be like etc. Your job as the wife is to assist and make his job easier, but he’s the one who makes the call.

• Humbleness – The best leaders are the most humble because they know, they don’t know everything. So they are smart enough to use everyone’s special gifts and talents to combine forces to create a much more powerful outcome.

I feel like I’m talking about power rangers haha. But it’s something like that.

A great leader can bring out the best in his people to create a much better outcome. So much so that it is way better than if he were to do everything alone.

So a humble leader will usually be the last person to speak in the room because he lets everyone pour out their hearts while he gathers all the information to come up with the best ultimate solution that would benefit everyone.

Tadaa! And that’s what a great leader looks like. May your husband be the best leader for your family. Ameen 🙂

9. Brings value to your self-development

Our self-development is anything that brings us closer to Allah. Period.

This does not mean knowledge on ibadah per se. If you are developing your business, how do you develop a business that follows the Quran and Sunnah? If you want to be a better wife, what are the characteristics of the women in Islam who are promised Jannah?

Whatever you are trying to improve in your life, make sure it is getting you closer to Allah, not further away from Him. That’s how you know you’re developing yourself.

But I understand, in today’s digital age and our human nature that loves entertainment, we have a lot more choices and distractions than say… during the time of Rasulullah SAW and the Sahabahs.

So it’s okay, Allah knows the challenges we go through today. But with challenges, comes rewards. Those who are strong enough to pursue what Allah and His Prophet SAW loves instead of the current miserly and distracting dunya, they will receive the most rewards from Allah.

Therefore, never be discouraged when you set out to improve yourself and change your ways solely to please Allah by following His commands especially if it goes against everyone around you.

Just remember that no deeds on this dunya will go unrewarded in the Akhirah (hereafter) because Allah promised us this in His Quran. 🙂

When you’ve set out to be the best Muslimah you can be for Allah, find a husband that will add value to your self-development journey through the person that he is today, his character and his knowledge that he gained throughout the years.

Here are some of the things he can do to add value to your self-development:

If it is knowledge on the deen…

• he can clarify that hadith or ayat that you don’t quite understand
• you can read the Quran together and correct each other’s reading
• he can share what he learned from the latest Islamic youtube lecture that he watched

If it is not about the deen…

• he will give you advice when you’re making any major decisions in life… which are of course according to the Quran and Sunnah 🙂
• he can share business tips that can improve your business
• you can go to motivation and self-development seminars to improve your finances together
• he can discuss the parenting tips that he read earlier
• he can give you encouragement and words of wisdom when you’re feeling down

The list is endless. Whatever it is, he needs to bring out the best in you and help you reach your highest potential. And of course, you do the same for him too. 🙂 In sha Allah.

10. Empathetic

When your husband is empathetic towards you, you can connect with him on a deeper level where your feelings intertwine and you know it in your heart of hearts that he gets you.

It’s sort of like the secret formula to creating soulmates 🙂

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes to really feel and understand what they’re going through.

It needs high emotional intelligence. Someone with high emotional intelligence knows how to manage their emotions effectively, they will not easily be stressed, sad or overwhelmed with negative emotions.

They understand themselves enough to know what they need to put themselves in a better state at any given point in time.

When these people are masters of their own emotions, they can effectively empathize with other people to build deeper relationships.

If your husband is able to do this, it will seem as if you both have a psychic connection because he is able to read you and understand you sometimes even through your body language without you having to speak a word.

Pretty cool huh? 😀

I know in my marriage, I’m the one who lacks empathy, hands down. My husband always seems to know when I’m going to get my period, when I’m hungry, sad or tired etc.

On my side, if my husband is having a headache or feeling tired, he’d have to tell me before I understand what’s going on. I’m still working on it 🙂 But these things will improve as you practice and get to know your husband better.

Here are examples of what empathy looks like:

• when you tell him about your childhood traumas, he listens attentively, validates your emotions and gives you words of wisdom to help you move on.
• when you are facing period pain, he automatically takes over your portion of the house chores.
• when he’s getting ahead in his sunnah prayers and ibadah, he doesn’t force it on you but invites you slowly instead because he knows we all have our own spiritual pace.
• when your mother-in-law wants you both to spend Eid celebration at her house this year instead of your parent’s place, he tells his mum nicely that it’s your turn this year.

11. Your family and friends love him

Allah puts your family and friends who love you in your life for a reason.

They are the people who have always cheered you on, stood by your side no matter what and watch you grow into the beautiful woman you are today. Alhamdulillah.

So, naturally when it comes to making the biggest decision in your life – finding the right life partner for you – of course they would want the best person for you. 🙂

But no matter how much they love you, if they are not close to Allah, they may not know the right husband material for you according to Allah’s standards.

So always put Allah’s standards first above all. After that, you can see if he fits your personal standards and your family and friends’ standards. 🙂

On the other hand, if you are blessed with loved ones that are all practicing Muslims, then you should most definitely seek their advice in finding your husband.

They would have eyes for a man who is good for you in deen and the dunya. In sha Allah.

When your family and friends love your husband, Masha Allah! You’ve hit the jackpot! Alhamdulillah. 😀

Here are some of the perks when your family and friends love your husband:

• Your dad will treat him like his own son and give him advice and share life skills when he needs it
• He will be the cool big brother to your younger siblings
• You can go on fun big family vacations together
• Every Eid celebration will be a blast because everyone’s having a great time together
• Some of your single girlfriends would secretly make du’a to find their husbands too

Here are some of the perks when his family and friends love you too:

• His mum will not mind if you’re not the best cook in the world, in fact she’ll share her secret recipes with you 🙂
• His wise dad will treat you like his own daughter too
• Your sisters-in-law become your best friends
• You would feel perfectly belonged in the family
• His friends become your friends too

Final thoughts on your future husband

I hope this list has inspired you to start looking for the right husband to grow old with and get into Jannah together. If it seems too idealistic, believe that Allah is powerful enough to give what’s best for you.

My past duas have been answered because my husband is right in front of me. You can have yours too in sha Allah.

Make your list of duas and start praying girl! 🙂

May Allah bring him to you in the right place at the right time. Ameen.